For many people the holiday season is a great time to see family, travel, and share gifts. The LGBTQ+ community is no exception, but for those who have complicated relationships with their family it can be very stressful.  Maybe it is family they don’t agree with politically, family they only see during the holidays, or they are coming out to family for the first time.  How can you support your loved one or yourself if you are in this situation?

If you are the parent of an LGBTQ+ youth who is out with you and people in their everyday life at home, but will be traveling to see extended family who might not know, take some time to check in before the visit. If you feel comfortable having the conversation, ask if they feel ready to come out to the extended family. If they are, offer support and have a backup plan prepared if things don’t go as planned.

For example, anticipate leaving early, or stay at a place separate from the family you are visiting.  If your loved one has changed their pronouns or uses a different name than their birth name, ask if they are okay with you correcting others on their behalf.  If they are not, be prepared to provide support from potential misgendering and dead naming they may receive if they decide to protect their identity. For some families this will mean an occasional slip up as they adjust.  Remember that many LGBTQ+ people have to deal with the fear that certain family members, or their entire family, may not accept them. By being there for your children as parents and as allies, you can help lessen emotional damage and show them that the people who matter are the ones who love and support them.

For the LGBTQ+ people reading this who may be visiting family, the number one thing to remember is to “choose your battles.” Take the time to know when it is better to engage and educate (if you feel able!) and when to respect your time and energy and step away. This can be going to another room, stepping outside, going for a drive, or if needed just leaving if you are able to do so. Family does not get a free pass to disrespect you or your community and there is nothing inappropriate about disengaging. If you are not out to certain family members and have decided that you do not want to come out to them in any capacity, be aware of the mental drain that can happen. Stock up on your favorite snacks or comfort foods to have when you return home, or bring a favorite movie to unwind at the end of the day. Be proactive about the ways you might be drained, and take steps to care for your mental and emotional health.

For those who are not involved with their families, it is good to reach out to friends or found family to still have that sense of holiday and bonding. Even if you do not celebrate, spending the holidays around people you enjoy being with can help during the winter when things are cold and dark. Check in with friends who might not be able to travel or you know do not have family to visit. Found family can be incredibly helpful and be that extra support if you do not have a relationship with your family, and having folks who uplift and support can make maintaining those boundaries easier. Make the holidays what you want it to be, create new memories, and start new traditions with people who you feel happy and safe around.

Written by: Mike Doughty, Program Coordinator for the Cortland LGBTQ Center, a division of Family & Children’s Counseling Services