Have you ever thought, “Is parenting supposed to be this hard?” For many parents, managing their child’s misbehavior makes the already-difficult job of parenting even more challenging. Though everyone’s style is different, the easiest way to manage misbehavior is to prevent it from happening.
“But how do I do that?” Let’s take a look at the core skills of positive parenting—all of these skills only take up a few minutes in a day and can make a big difference in how a child acts.
Developing a good relationship: spending quality time with your child means giving your full attention to what your child wants to do in that moment. When they come to you with a toy, a book, or a question, briefly stop what you are doing, engage with them, then go back to what you were doing. A minute is really enough time! Talking with your child and showing them physical affection is also great for their development and helps you both feel closer.
Encouraging good behavior: paying attention to what you want to see your child doing also doesn’t have to take a lot of time. Giving them a smile, a pat on the back, or even just watching when they are behaving well shows them that you like their behavior. Giving descriptive praise like, “Luke, I see you are letting your sister play with your car. Good job!” or “Shea, I see you sitting and reading quietly by yourself” tells a child exactly what behavior you want them to do and makes them feel good about doing it. It’s also important to have enough interesting activities for them to do (and many fun activities are free, like making a fort out of a cardboard box, coloring or reading library books) so that they are too busy to misbehave.
Teaching new skills and behaviors: sometimes children misbehave because they don’t actually know the correct way to behave. As a parent, you are your child’s first role model, so setting a good example lets your child see the behavior you expect of them. You can also use moments when a child looks to you for guidance to teach them the skill they need by asking questions and prompting them to problem solve. Another technique is ask-say-do: asking the child what the next step is, saying it if they need help, and then showing them what to do, giving them the chance to do the skill alongside you.
Managing misbehavior: when misbehavior does happen (and it will), a quick, clear and consistent response will help both you and your child know exactly what your expectations are and what happens when expectations aren’t respected. Staying calm (even though it’s difficult) is essential to stay in control of the situation and avoid giving your child an accidental reward of attention for the behavior you don’t want to encourage! Consequences should be logical, developmentally appropriate for your child’s age and clearly talked about before and during the incident so that everyone already knows what to expect.
It’s also crucial to take care of yourself as a parent so that you have the state of mind to be able to put these skills into practice. This, too, can be done by taking just a few minutes to do something for yourself, like taking a deep breath, listening to your favorite song or calling a friend/family member.
If you’d like to know more about planning for and using positive parenting skills, Cortland Prevention Resources offers a Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) with one-to-one virtual sessions for parents and caregivers to talk about the specific issues impacting their family (ages 0-5). CPR also offers Parenting Wisely for parents and caregivers of children (ages 3-9) or teens (ages 10-18) on a virtual platform with assistance from staff. If peer support and community are what you need, we host Parent Care support groups on the first Thursday and third Saturday of each month. More times may be available to meet demand. All programs are free of charge.
For more information about this and other Prevention programs, call 607-756-8970 ext. 254
Bailey Marks is a contributing writer for Cortland Prevention Resources, a division of Family & Children’s Counseling Services.
